Everyone experiences anger at some point in life, whether as a child or an adult. That’s quite common. But is anger troubling your relationships? Did you ever feel as if you could get control over anger after a conflict? Do you want to crush anger and redefine love? Let’s see how to overcome anger for lasting bonds!
Years ago, during my school days, if someone had asked my close friends or those who were close to me, they would have said that anger was always on the tip of my nose. I often made people cry because of my anger, and when they did, it only fueled my irritation, leading me to shout at them.
However, as the years passed, when these same friends met me again, they were surprised and asked how I had become so patient and calm in any situation.
A Thought-Provoking Story About Anger
I came across a thought-provoking story that made me reflect on the anger and frustration we often express in our daily lives.
The tale goes like this: There was a short-tempered child who would get angry at everything. His smart dad suggested a unique idea: whenever he felt anger, he should hammer a nail into the wall. The kid agreed, and soon enough, the wall had quite a few nails.
But as time passed, he realized it was tough to hammer those nails, and it made him think twice about getting angry. Eventually, he got a grip on his anger. Now, the dad told him to remove a nail every time he controlled his anger. The kid did just that, and when all the nails were gone, he proudly showed his dad. However, his dad pointed out that even though the nails were gone, the wall still had marks.
The question is: how many such lasting nail imprints have we created in the hearts of others till today?
Is anger a curse or a boon?
The question is whether anger is always bad or if it can have some good aspects. Should we try to control our anger? If so, when should we do it? Let’s explore these questions by looking into our lives to understand why we get angry.
By figuring out the reasons behind our anger, we can decide if it’s okay as it is or if we need to handle it better. Let’s immerse ourselves deep into our brains and lives to explore the root causes and reasons, and let’s find out if anger is a curse or a boon!
As humans, we feel lots of different emotions, like kindness, love, fear, sadness, guilt, excitement, and happiness. Anger is one of those feelings we have. Sometimes, it’s important to show anger in certain situations.
For example, if someone hurts your child, it’s okay to be angry because you need to protect them. It wouldn’t make sense to show love to the person who hurt your child. Or, if you’re walking and someone tries to harm you, it’s okay to get angry as self-defense. It’s not the time to be kind. And if your 10-year-old is doing something dangerous, it’s okay to show a bit of anger as a parent to make them understand it’s wrong. Anger can be useful in these situations. So anger is a boon in these types of situations!
Do you want to Crush Anger and Redefine Love?
If someone consistently lets their anger get out of control in all situations—using harsh words or even resorting to physical harm—especially in situations like relationships, work, on the road, or in public places, it’s a clear signal that this type of anger needs immediate attention.
For instance, imagine a person who frequently gets upset over minor things at home, like a disagreement with a family member. If this escalates to shouting or physical aggression, it becomes a default habit.
Likewise, in a workplace scenario, if a colleague regularly expresses frustration through angry outbursts or aggressive behavior, it not only affects the work environment but also the individual’s professional relationships.
Even on the road or in public spaces, if someone reacts angrily to every small inconvenience, such as traffic, food, long lines, or any simple things, and this becomes a habitual response, it indicates a need for regulation.
Because when anger becomes a default reaction in these situations, it can lead to serious consequences. It strains relationships, damages connections with people, and can take a toll on mental and physical well-being. This type of anger is the one that we are going to deal with here!
Why do you want to help yourself overcome anger?
When you’re angry, have you ever noticed your heart is beating faster? Feel your energy levels rise, warmth in your body, and increased energy in your hands, legs, and brain. Let’s explore what’s going on.
When the emotion of anger hits your brain, it activates an alarm system called the ‘Amygdala.’ This part of the brain signals the release of stress hormones like catecholamines (a system that regulates various physiological processes, including heart rate, blood pressure, and metabolic rate) and cortisol.
As these chemicals are released, blood is redirected from other parts of your body to your legs, hands, and brain. This makes you feel more energized in these areas, but it also leads to an increase in blood pressure and heart rate.
However, when these stress hormones are released frequently, they release fatty acids into your blood vessels. This gradual release of fatty acids can decrease blood flow and increase the risk of stroke and heart attack over time.
In short, your heart takes a hit from frequent anger, putting your health and life at risk. It can damage your heart muscles, reducing both your health and life span. Therefore, it’s crucial to regulate your anger, especially if it tends to be your default habit, to safeguard your overall health.
Why are you getting Angry?
1. Expectation
One of the main reasons we get angry is that what we expect and what’s happening doesn’t match. Imagine you ask your child to put a glass on the table carefully, but instead, they start dancing and accidentally break it. The difference between what we hoped for and what happened can make us feel frustrated and angry.
We know our child is more important than broken glass, but we still get angry, right? The same thing can happen in every part of our lives, whether it’s in relationships, our careers, or even in public places.
2. Bad Parenting or childhood traumas
One of the primary reasons adults exhibit anger is often linked to either a history of bad parenting or a childhood marked by numerous traumas and challenges.
These experiences can leave them feeling helpless, sad, fearful, and frustrated, and these emotions can later manifest as triggers for short-tempered behavior in adulthood.
Perhaps you’ve observed that some children display signs of anger from a very young age. As parents, it’s crucial to understand one key aspect: children may not hear you, but they will unquestionably imitate your actions at their childhood.
Parents, siblings, caretakers, and teachers serve as role models for children, influencing their behavior. If they consistently witness conflicts and anger in their close circle, they may adopt these patterns and eventually transition to an angry adult may happen.
It emphasizes the importance of providing a positive and nurturing environment for children to grow into emotionally healthy adults.
3. Lack of Love and attention
LOVE is the strongest emotion for humans; without it, we can become distressed.
Whether it’s a child, partner, wife, husband, mother, father, or friend, we all seek love and attention from those around us. I’ve come across numerous stories where adults develop harmful habits or turn to a life of crime due to a lack of love, care, and attention during their childhood.
Historical figures like Hitler have been cited as examples, suggesting that a troubled childhood can lead to cruelty. In any relationship, a significant cause of conflict and anger often boils down to a shortage of love, care, and attention.
Especially if we feel insulted or cheated as human beings it can create an unbearable pain end with anger. A teenager craving love and attention might join the wrong crowd at school or engage in risky behavior to feel accepted. If a child doesn’t experience love and care at home, they might struggle with building healthy relationships later in life which results failure in their life.
Therefore, if someone is displaying anger towards you, or if you find yourself getting angry, take a moment to analyze if a lack of love might be the underlying reason.
4. Stress and Overthinking
Another root cause of anger is stress, overthinking and anxiety. Everyday struggles and life challenges, overloaded with stress related to life, career, and health, results in anger even over trivial matters. The reason behind this is, most of the time during that period, the brain’s limbic alarm system for stress was more active than the logical consciousness part.
Prolonged stress and continuous overthinking can make us feel irritated, eventually leading to anger.
5. Pain
People tend to become irritated and angry when experiencing physical pain or going through emotional distress.
After my dental surgery, when i was feeling pain especially when my close ones inquired about the pain, I felt irritated. Discussing the pain in detail would create a mental image about the pain, intensifying the discomfort. As a coping mechanism, my immediate reaction was anger.
Similarly, consider a situation where someone has recently gone through a breakup or loss of a loved one. If someone offers advice during this emotionally challenging time, it might be met with frustration.
Physical pain or emotional pain induces stress, prompting individuals to exhibit anger as a coping mechanism.
How to Overcome Anger for Lasting bonds?
1. Practice the language of empathy in your relationships:
Empathy has been a key practice for me in managing anger. When faced with anger, whether from someone else or directed at them, I encourage imagining oneself in the other person’s position.
For instance, in a scenario where a husband teaches his wife to drive, the husband might get angry if she doesn’t perform well. However, if the roles are switched to a friend, colleague, or student, the reaction tends to be less intense. This empathetic approach is particularly relevant in close relationships.
For example, shouting at loved ones may provide a sense of dominance, knowing they might not retaliate.
In moments of anger or when being hurtful, it’s beneficial to consider how the other person perceives the situation. Putting yourself in their shoes and contemplating their feelings can be enlightening.
Imagine if the roles were reversed – if the other person had more power and could shout or hurt more than you, would you still act the same way? By listening, seeing, and feeling from the opposite perspective continuously, anger can be significantly reduced.
2. Conquer anger with deep Breathe
Breathing exercises into a daily routine is a powerful method for anger management.
Practicing these techniques regularly, whether before you sense anger building up or during calm moments, can significantly contribute to emotional regulation when it trigger anger.
You can use any of the following breathing exercises which you feel comfortable:
Mindful Observation
Practice:
Close your eyes and focus on the first 10 cycles of inhaling and exhaling. Pay attention to the sensation of each breath. This exercise cultivates mindfulness, making it easier to apply during moments of anger.
First practice it before anger and then only do this when anger triggers. This breathing engages the prefrontal cortex of your brain, promoting self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Left Nostrils Breathing
Practice:
Close your right nostril with your thumb and inhale and exhale through your left nostril. Repeat this process. There will be a shift to the parasympathetic system helps counteract the body’s stress response. Pay attention to the sensation of each breath.
This technique targets the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and reducing stress.
6:6 Nostrils Breathing
Practice:
Sit calmly and first exhale for 6 seconds, then inhale for 6 seconds. Repeat this process for sometime. Pay attention to the sensation of each breath.
This rhythmic breathing enhances mindfulness, elevate your vibrations and energy level aiding in the regulation of anger, stress, and anxiety. The extended exhale supports the relaxation response.
3. Time Out Tactics: Prepare and Delay the reactions
You can’t really think about this when you’re angry, so take some quiet time when you’re calm. Think about situations that make you angry and how you usually react. Tell yourself that getting angry can affect your health.
Decide on how you want to deal with anger next time it happens. Keep reminding yourself of this decision regularly, especially when you’re feeling calm. Studies shows that reading habit significantly help you to reduce anger. To regulate emotions i strongly recommend this book to kickstart yourself : control your emotions.
Research suggests that the intentional delay in responding to anger allows for increased activity in brain areas associated with self-control and emotional regulation.
When faced with a situation that triggers anger, the amygdala, a part of the brain associated with emotions, responds rapidly, initiating the “fight or flight” response.
This quick reaction often leads to impulsive behavior and a surge of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline. Unfortunately, this rapid response can shutdown the functioning of the prefrontal cortex, the region responsible for decision-making.
By delaying your response(delay response of at least 10 seconds to 1 minute) to an anger-inducing situation, you allow the prefrontal cortex more time to engage. This delay serves as a cognitive “time-out,” enabling prefrontal cortex inhibiting impulsive reactions and evaluating the potential consequences of actions.
4.Mindful Reflections using Mind mapping:
This adapted approach to mind mapping specifically targets the exploration and understanding of anger triggers, offering a visual and structured method for managing and transforming emotional responses.
In Mind mapping you visually represent incidents that trigger your anger. By drawing or writing these incidents on paper, you create a tangible representation of your emotions and experiences. You can even use mind mapping tools online like Mind Meister or Canva.
As you map out multiple incidents, patterns may emerge. This visual representation helps you identify recurring patterns that contribute to your emotional responses.
When you create branches on a mind map, you are essentially prompting your brain to link concepts together. Imagery can evoke deeper emotions and provide additional insights into the sources of anger. Take a step back to reflect on the entire anger mind map.
Assess the relationships between different factors and consider reframing your thoughts or interpretations to promote a good perspective next time during anger.
Alternatively you can do even journaling of your thoughts and emotions which also a powerful method of self reflection. See the Power of journaling here
By understanding the scientific basis behind these exercises and integrating them into a daily regimen, individuals can proactively cultivate emotional resilience and enhance their capacity to manage anger, stress, and anxiety effectively.
Moreover, I invite you to join my community and delve into the wisdom shared in my book,, ‘Just Restart,’ for deeper insights and strategies.
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